Podcast #111: Johnny Scissorhands

8 August 21, 2016 by

111_finalIn this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors we begin by reminding everyone that football season is right around the corner, furnishing Cam Newton with endless possibilities for being a complete tool. We commiserate over our most generous patron turning out to be a sham, and then tackle a caller’s question about how to be right when everyone around us is wrong. We revisit Satanism and discuss the writing of sinister messages in one’s own blood (but enough about Johnny Depp). We address Rudy Giuliani’s creative approach to statistics and Trump’s fatwah against Hillary, and then weigh in on how much, exactly, Gabby Douglas hates America. Christian’s “Feeding Friendsy” questions just how many Constitutional Amendments will be left after Hillary gets into power, and Jason’s “Dick Move, God” segment pours a swallow of malt liquor onto the ground for all those who lost their lives because their great-great grandfathers hated Yahweh. Christian is biebered by having to show restraint, and Jason’s bieber has to do with Geico’s lies.

Also, Christian actually likes something this week! It’s just a song, but baby steps.

8 Comments (click here to leave a comment)

  1. • Well, you have a standing offer down in LB too. Shoot me a message if you’re in the area and I’ll buy the first round.
    • Most buildings don’t skip the 13th floor anymore.
    • Yeah, Christians view the Satanists through the less of the 80’s panic and This Present Darkness where demons are everywhere and fighting to seduce the children into devil worship.
    • Bob Larson was the ass who saw the devil everywhere. Gary Larson was the Far Side cartoonist.
    • So you’re saying if Gozer the Gozarian ever shows up, she’ll be staying at the Weston in Costa Mesa?
    • Come to the dark side, we have hand rolled fresh tortillas!
    • The McMartin Preschool trial too. That couple was ruined by accusations of devil worship, killing babies, cultic sex with children, etc., which all turned out to be bullshit that was fed to the kids from adults panicked over Satanism.
    • Every time you say Fiona, I hear it in the voice of Shrek.
    • So your parents are Trump voters?
    • Yes, my family and I are completely different on politics now, and we navigate it by having arguments. Lots of arguments. I try to avoid most of it on Facebook, except for the super crazy bullshit that makes me question their sanity.
    • You can fly with a gun, but you have to check it and declare it to the airline.
    • “I just want to congratulate the bride and groom on this, the day of their wedding, and now that I have your attention, I’d like to discuss the holocaust of abortion…”
    • Re: Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, it sounds as if they were two dysfunctional people who when mixed together turned out to be explosive.
    • And I cannot express how little I care.
    • The Anthrax attacks. The DC Sniper. The El Al terminal at LAX.
    • When they talk about abolishing the second amendment, they mean she wants to pass modest gun control measures.
    • Nationalism is a lot like fundamentalism. It’s not enough that you love your country, you must show that you love it EXACTLY the way I think you should love it, or else you’re secretly a traitor who hates it.
    • But American Exceptionism means that there is America (or ‘Murika) who is the best and everyone else sucks ass.
    • Join the military, kill bugs. Become a citizen, Rico!
    • “Almost overnight the Glorious Loyalty Oath Crusade was in full flower, and Captain Black was enraptured to discover himself spearheading it. He had really hit on something. All the enlisted men and officers on combat duty had to sign a loyalty oath to get their map cases from the intelligence tent, a second loyalty oath to receive their flak suits and parachutes from the parachute tent, a third loyalty oath for Lieutenant Balkington, the motor vehicle officer, to be allowed to ride from the squadron to the airfield in one of the trucks. Every time they turned around there was another loyalty oath to be signed. They signed a loyalty oath to get their pay from the finance officer, to obtain their PX supplies, to have their hair cut by the Italian barbers. To Captain Black, every officer who supported his Glorious Loyalty Oath Crusade was a competitor, and he planned and plotted twenty-four hours a day to keep one step ahead. He would stand second to none in his devotion to country. When other officers had followed his urging and introduced loyalty oaths of their own, he went them one better by making every son of a bitch who came to his intelligence tent sign two loyalty oaths, then three, then four; then he introduced the pledge of allegiance, and after that “The Star-Spangled Banner,” one chorus, two choruses, three choruses, four choruses. Each time Captain Black forged ahead of his competitors, he swung upon them scornfully for their failure to follow his example. Each time they followed his example, he retreated with concern and racked his brain for some new stratagem that would enable him to turn upon them scornfully again.”
    • The 4th is Due Process. The 5th is the right to avoid self-incrimination. The 10th states that those powers not delegated to the Federal government are delegated to the States. It’s the favorite of the state’s rights/Neo-Confederal crowd.
    • Again, it’s not that they think she’ll repeal the amendments, but that any interpretation of the amendments that does not match what they believe is somehow invalid, illegitimate, and an usurpation of the Constitution. It’s fundamentalism adapted to politics. Hence , why I often joke about Jesus riding a velociraptor handing Thomas Jefferson the constitution on two stone tablets on Mt Rushmore.
    • You could talk about how much it sucked to be an Israeli soldier fighting the Amalekites and whether you and your buddies lived or died depended on whether Moses could keep his hands up. Or you could talk about how a different group of Israeli soldiers were killed because one guy took some stuff from Jericho. Or how God commanded that not only the guilty man, but his entire family be stoned to death. There’s just so much to choose from.

  2. DMG could be basically every woman in the OT. Or pretty close anyway. Hagar, Tamar (both of them), Jephthah’s daughter, Rizpah, Lot’s daughters, Lot’s wife, the Levite’s concubine, Dinah, Bathsheba …

  3. Haha, good point. I’ve done several of those, and I wonder how much I can keep doing it without it all sounding the same, you know?

  4. Adam and Eve. God drops them into an unguarded garden and neglects to tell them about his archenemy or warn them about all of the pain and suffering eating a fruit would cause their descendents.

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